Bird Droppings from Estonia: Helpful hints for foreigners (7)
Archived Articles 30 May 2008 Hilary BirdEWR
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This list describing the typical Estonian recently appeared in one of our better papers with a GSH. (That’s a good sense of humour, not a mobile phone number). A friend suggested that this could be useful for foreigners or visitors to Eesti. I thought I would translate these pearls of wisdom and share 'em with you.

An Estonian

- Rummages around their supermarket plastic bag collection trying to sort out what is rubbish and what should recycled.
- Is someone who thinks that if a foreigner smiles at them on the street then that person is 1) drunk 2) American 3) a British sex tourist.
- Is someone who thinks you must pay cash for quick shag, and, what is worse, you must work out the sum yourself in your head.
- Is someone who needs over 6 cups of coffee a day and whose coffee gets weaker throughout the day as they will only use 5 teaspoons of coffee.
- Is someone who, round about 7.00 every evening, thinks subconsciously whether to go round the corner to the shop and get some booze.
- Is someone who, apart from the youth hanging out at shopping malls, takes no notice of what is happening on the street.
- Is someone who thinks silence is ... joy.
-Is someone who thinks watching TV has lost its charms. (Everyone’s on the internet).
- Is someone who does not assume that, when eating out, the waiter will come, hand you the menu and ask what you want. (Customer service is not very suave).
- Is someone who does not think twice about wearing sandals indoors.
- Is someone who says ‘I’ve got a new partner’ means ‘ I had a shag yesterday.’
- And, next day, if they say ‘We have decided to part’ this means ‘no telephone call.’
- Is someone who agrees that a home without wireless Internet connection is the same as a home without electricity or central heating.
- Is someone who is suspicious when someone begins to talk to them on the street.
- Is someone whose bad mood puts him or her in a good mood.
- Is someone to whom nothing is ‘fabulous’ or ‘wonderful’. Just ‘the usual.’
- Is someone who thinks everything is OK when there are more children on the bus than old ladies and drunks.
- Is someone who, when the sun comes out, lingers at the window for a few minutes.
- Is someone whose entrance hall is like a shoe shop.
- Is someone who orders a taxi by phone.
- Is someone who is upset by talking on the tram or bus.
- Is someone whose main thought every week is of sauna.
- Is someone who gets nervous if the bus is 2 minutes late.
- Is someone whose idea of a party is muted, pleasant conversation, quiet music, snacks and, of course, alcohol.
- Is someone who thinks if you someone is talking loudly on the bus, they are 1) Drunk, 2) Russian 3)Both.
- Is someone who talks to people via mobile phone or Skype even if they are only 2 metres away.
- Is someone whose definition of change is an acceptance of 1) a meal without sour cream 2) a meal without chocolate 3) acceptance.
- Is someone who thinks that the Estonian language has no future tense or gender.
- Is someone who begins and ends a conversation with ‘How are you?.’ (All other communication is superfluous).
- Is someone who says ‘Tere’, ‘Hi’ or ‘Ciao’ and keeps a distance.
- Is someone who lengthens the last vowels of a word.
- Is someone who, if hugged for more than 2 seconds, suspects they are being stabbed in the back.
- Is someone who thinks that a temperature of –10 is quite reasonable, that + 20º outside is heavenly, that can’t cope with a room temperature of more than +22 and thinks 80º in the sauna is cold.
- Is someone who is not in the least surprised if the person with whom they have just had a close smooch announces they have a partner.
- Is someone who thinks leaving questions unanswered is the best way to avoid conversation.
- Is someone who thinks that working at home means sleeping late and working a half-day.
- Is someone who feels ashamed if you are more than 5 minutes late.
- Is someone who thinks that SMSs are a great way to communicate and to flirt.
- Is someone whose only seat when not at the computer is likely to be the lavatory.
- Is someone who likes potatoes.
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